Today.

I have always been an empathetic soul. I do my best to live by the 4 agreements, maintaine an open mind, love and live with an open heart, change my thinking when things seem “crazy” and be humble and kind…yet, sometimes I forget to extend to myself the same love, empathy and patience that I would extend to ANYONE without a second thought. I’m really going through a lot right now… I’ve never felt this kind of physical discomfort compounded by waves of anxiety that I just can’t seem to get in a box. Please be patient with me…AND kind to others… as it’s true-you NEVER really know what someone else is going thru- and while u can identify – ya gotta understand that EVERYONE carries her or his own bumps, bruises, scratches,scars and nightmares… You can be happy, aware of your blessings, love your life and your “family” and still feel beat up and confused by what you can’t change. While acceptance & surrender is the key- it’s not always easy….It took me to promise my mom that I would go to the doctor to start to wholeheartedly address (physically & emotionally) the lot of my BS-ย the nerve damage in my shoulder I sustained in the early 80’s , the Fibromyalgia cobwebs and my anxiety and depression. It looks like I’m going to be taking a little time off from work to journey back to my center once and for all… I feel like that song….”Ironic” ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’•โ˜ฎ๏ธ๐ŸŒปโœจ๐ŸŽถ๐Ÿฆ„โ˜•๏ธ๏ธ
I KNOW I’m not the only one who lost loved ones, friends who are like family, been disrespected & lied to, experienced DV & assault, said and done things they regret, experienced bullies, cried themselves to sleep, questioned their spirituality, been discriminated against, didn’t know where they fit in or if they REALLY fit in… and on and on…
JUST for real- sit down- quiet your mind and recenter with me focus on
Peace, Love, Joy & Freedom for all- including for yourself.๐ŸŒป
Taking some time for ourselves is hard, and sometimes God has a way of getting your attention- …just say’n!!!

Give Love to Yourself…

Give Yourself to Love
โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ
“Kind friends all gathered ’round, there’s something I would say:
That what brings us together here has blessed us all today.
Love has made a circle that holds us all inside.
Where strangers are as family, loneliness can’t hide.
You must give yourself to love if love is what you’re after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.
I’ve walked these mountains in the rain and learned to love the wind;
I’ve been up before the sunrise to watch the day begin.
I’ve always knew I’d find you, though I never did know how;
Like sunshine on a cloudy day stand before me now.
So give yourself to love if love is what you’re after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.
Love is born in fire; it’s planted like a seed.
Love can’t give you everything, but it gives you what you need.
And love comes when you’re ready, love comes when you’re afraid;
It’ll be your greatest teacher, the best friend you have made.
So give yourself to love if love is what you’re after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.
Give yourself to love if love is what you’re after;
Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter
And give yourself to love, give yourself to love
Songwriters: Kate Wolf

Success

“Even though my efforts at times might seem small, if they are sincere, then success is certain. In the past, I was plagued by fears that small steps weren’t enough, and that doing my best wasn’t good enough. Those fears hindered my performance and invalidated my self-esteem. I needed to change the messages I gave myself in order to reap the harvest of rewards that were available to me. I have needed to accept that I can’t change the messages that others have given me. I needed to change the messages I give myself in order to become freer and less self-destructive. I surround myself with positive/ high vibration people who validate all of me. I can remind myself today that the “small steps” I had the courage to take reaped large rewards.” ๐Ÿ๐Ÿ’•๐ŸพโœŒ๐Ÿฝ๏ธ๐ŸŒป๐ŸŽถ

 

Just Being REAL…

6/101

I fell asleep almost as soon as I closed my eyes. I was exhausted at the end of the day yesterday. I was up again at 6:00 a.m. and here at work by 645. The only thing on my mind is Dottie. There is NOTHING else more important that her right now. NOTHING!!! When Paul goes on and on about how much she loves him ( which she does) it just bugs me. She is MY baby. He was able to be with her when I could not be yesterday and that made my heart hurt (that I could not be there) and it also made me grateful that she could have a visit and feel safe. Paul said, that the doctor said, that maybe she could come home today. Paul went on to say that he said, to the doctor that maybe she should stay- in case her sugar goes haywire again and we can’t reach him or have her seen. Immediately, I got defensive– thinking he was selfish, because he just wants to do what he wants us to do this weekend and blah blah blah…He does want what is best for her, yet i do not think he understands my money situation and how much I want to be there for my baby and care for and help my baby. I miss her with every single cell in my body and would never put my “wants” before her well-being…He just pisses me off sometimes, because he is needy and thinks he knows everything and talks out of his ass a lot. It is up to the doctor and it depends on her needs and if I can meet them. Aside from all that I am drained. I am still feeling like a stop watch and am like tick tick tick…My head goes from one place to another. I do have work to do today, while i am here at work and that will help to focus me. I have no clients to see– which is good– just paperwork that is time sensitive– so again that is good. I made an effort to meditate and stretch when I got in and I was unsuccessful… My mind was just too “all over the place.” I did eat last night at the diner. I had a Chicken Ranch Wrap on a Pita vs. a Tortilla and I had some onion rings. Other than that it was just an apple and a kind bar all day. I was determined to eat vs. let my head play with me. It was echoing “don’t eat until Dottie can or does.” Freaking eating disorder–it’s a disgusting dis-ease and I am 100% committed to not ever letting it rule my life again. I told on it and it shut up or at least whispered and was not overly intrusive yesterday. I’m also mindful of my habit of pushing stuff down and saying “oh i’m fine” all the while believing that I am and then crashing or getting sick. I commit to checking in with myself daily and really being true to myself and those that care about me. This morning I made myself a Coconut Oil, Coco and Almond Milk Espresso (LARGE) and I packed cashews and an iced tea to hold me thru the morning. I’m so anxious to see how she did through the night and pray with all my heart that she can come home today or at very least that I can get to hold her– like Paul did yesterday when he visited her.. for a “whole hour”– asshole!!!! It was like he has to be this hero, not that he is doing something good… I don’t know– it could be me and my underline lack of trust that nobody does anything for just the good of the deed.. It is like sometimes– look at me, how good I am, how much I do for you– all in a passive way– Keeping score all the while. WTF? Why am I tripping on this now… I am aggravating myself, yet I need to get it out I guess. Anyway.. I just wanted to keep my intention and to write and get my crap out. My neck and back are aching and my vision is blurry this morning. I constantly, feel like I have to pee and my stomach feels like I just got off of a roller-coaster. I ask God to please make my baby well, to grant me strength and courage and the ability to meet her needs. I ask for grace in my actions and in my thoughts and I humbly ask God to forgive me when my humanness sours my behaviors. Like my dad, I believe I always mean well–sometimes I fall short, yet my heart truly wants peace & harmony. I think I am going through a growth spurt. I don’t like it, still I am open. Be ๐Ÿ’ž๐ŸพโœŒ๏ธ๐ŸŒป๐Ÿšซ๐Ÿ„๐Ÿ’ฉ

Ok With Me

Ya know.. sometimes, I wonder if people truly have a problem with me –BEING ME…then I think to myself…do I really care or have a problem with others having a problem with me? Answer: NOPE—As long as I’m good with God and I can look my pup in the eye and I show respect for myself, honor my mom and my dad’s memory — that’s all that really matters to me!! I will remain fearless in the face of changing times. I will continue to make it my daily intention to be humble and kind!

๐Ÿ๐Ÿ’•๐ŸพโœŒ๐Ÿฝ๏ธ๐ŸŒป๐ŸŽถ