Last Night’s Journal Entry.

  
I am in a very complicated situation. I need to get it outside of me. Up front—Paul knows the score and he understands & accepts me just the way I am. And how I am is “open hearted” – I have never stopped loving my ex girlfriend (who is amazing)- it’s just that we are very similar and VERY DIFFERENT and for that reason…we could never be TOGETHER in the long haul and we both KNOW this.) YA see, I have plans to visit her out of state–in her home–in a few daze for a week and on this past Friday she gave me the 411 that she has started dating someone. And for her to want to be “with” this woman is BIG, because, she… My ex is kind of a loner… My struggle is…I don’t want to feel awkward and I don’t like that I feel nervous, because I historically have always felt totally at ease with her- cuz, we really on a level that’s hard to adequately explain…understand each other and accept each other– but this is BIG! I feel awkward and unsure…I find myself on any given day for more than 3 years… dreaming of hugging her and being hugged & held back by her, having her attention and wanting to escape all thoughts and just feel. So many special songs… Blah blah blah… That’s how it once was…its just not that way now and I’m having a hard time getting to acceptance.. And that in it’s self…is messing with me. I can’t control my feelings, yet I don’t want them to control me either…I’m in knots. I asked her last week if she was sure she still was ok with me coming…if it was ok with her gf…she said of course–u r one of my most cherished friends…that made me smile, because that is exactly how I feel about her–I cherish her! I’d give her my last breath… Truth.. be told, I just went to her wall to see if I sent her a “silly” this morning and I read some stuff on her wall and now my heart/head is all chewed up. I did not even realize how much my heart was still in it..I even confided in Paul that I feel “jealous” yet that seems so wrong- I have no right…and of course he’s like maybe u shouldn’t go. He knows the love I feel for this special, special SPECIAL woman and he understands that I have never felt more of a physical-emotional-or spiritual connect with anyone ever b4?her or after her…And he gets it and gets that I still miss her in my life. And he understands…I just don’t know what to do! I’m NOT looking for answers…I don’t even know if I could take feedback right now…that’s why I write this out here…Universe just send some positive vibes to me…praying for strength for myself to stay true to myself and focused and forward thinking and moving…God help me to leave this in Your hands!!!

I Pray that I will receive direction and accept that direction without question.

Amen. Namaste.

  

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