Just Being REAL…


I fell asleep almost as soon as I closed my eyes. I was exhausted at the end of the day yesterday. I was up again at 6:00 a.m. and here at work by 645. The only thing on my mind is Dottie. There is NOTHING else more important that her right now. NOTHING!!! When Paul goes on and on about how much she loves him ( which she does) it just bugs me. She is MY baby. He was able to be with her when I could not be yesterday and that made my heart hurt (that I could not be there) and it also made me grateful that she could have a visit and feel safe. Paul said, that the doctor said, that maybe she could come home today. Paul went on to say that he said, to the doctor that maybe she should stay- in case her sugar goes haywire again and we can’t reach him or have her seen. Immediately, I got defensive– thinking he was selfish, because he just wants to do what he wants us to do this weekend and blah blah blah…He does want what is best for her, yet i do not think he understands my money situation and how much I want to be there for my baby and care for and help my baby. I miss her with every single cell in my body and would never put my “wants” before her well-being…He just pisses me off sometimes, because he is needy and thinks he knows everything and talks out of his ass a lot. It is up to the doctor and it depends on her needs and if I can meet them. Aside from all that I am drained. I am still feeling like a stop watch and am like tick tick tick…My head goes from one place to another. I do have work to do today, while i am here at work and that will help to focus me. I have no clients to see– which is good– just paperwork that is time sensitive– so again that is good. I made an effort to meditate and stretch when I got in and I was unsuccessful… My mind was just too “all over the place.” I did eat last night at the diner. I had a Chicken Ranch Wrap on a Pita vs. a Tortilla and I had some onion rings. Other than that it was just an apple and a kind bar all day. I was determined to eat vs. let my head play with me. It was echoing “don’t eat until Dottie can or does.” Freaking eating disorder–it’s a disgusting dis-ease and I am 100% committed to not ever letting it rule my life again. I told on it and it shut up or at least whispered and was not overly intrusive yesterday. I’m also mindful of my habit of pushing stuff down and saying “oh i’m fine” all the while believing that I am and then crashing or getting sick. I commit to checking in with myself daily and really being true to myself and those that care about me. This morning I made myself a Coconut Oil, Coco and Almond Milk Espresso (LARGE) and I packed cashews and an iced tea to hold me thru the morning. I’m so anxious to see how she did through the night and pray with all my heart that she can come home today or at very least that I can get to hold her– like Paul did yesterday when he visited her.. for a “whole hour”– asshole!!!! It was like he has to be this hero, not that he is doing something good… I don’t know– it could be me and my underline lack of trust that nobody does anything for just the good of the deed.. It is like sometimes– look at me, how good I am, how much I do for you– all in a passive way– Keeping score all the while. WTF? Why am I tripping on this now… I am aggravating myself, yet I need to get it out I guess. Anyway.. I just wanted to keep my intention and to write and get my crap out. My neck and back are aching and my vision is blurry this morning. I constantly, feel like I have to pee and my stomach feels like I just got off of a roller-coaster. I ask God to please make my baby well, to grant me strength and courage and the ability to meet her needs. I ask for grace in my actions and in my thoughts and I humbly ask God to forgive me when my humanness sours my behaviors. Like my dad, I believe I always mean well–sometimes I fall short, yet my heart truly wants peace & harmony. I think I am going through a growth spurt. I don’t like it, still I am open. Be πŸ’žπŸΎβœŒοΈπŸŒ»πŸš«πŸ„πŸ’©

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