I am only me, that is all that I can be
No more, no less, don’t second guess
I love, I laugh, I live and cry,
I’ve wished at times, that I could die
Some days I’m funny, others I’m not,
sometimes I’m in overdrive and can’t stop
I am a loyal and honest friend,
You know that I’ll be there until the end
I am a romantic, sensual, and passionate too,
to the love of my life, I’ll share this with you
I can be sweet and shy or sassy and bold,
I’m quite a handful, or so I’ve been told
I am not perfect, I do have my faults,
like when I get scared I put up high walls
Or I’m not as forgiving, as I’d sometimes like to be,
because when I hurt, I hurt deeply
My logic is all my own, at times misunderstood,
because I don’t always do things for my own good
I have many facets, like a diamond you see…
I am only me.
MY TRUTH…I used to be a major “Queen Baby!” I need to remind myself EVERY DAY that I need to surrender EVERY DAY! I need to follow the rules, love myself, be kind and let God drive my car. I am powerless. For years I was able to recognize my powerlessness, yet I had a hard time accepting my powerlessness. I could see it and understand it, yet my need for control prevented me from committing myself to the act of surrender. My ego AKA “QUEEN BABY” interfered. My immaturity demanded that I retained control. My “Queen Baby” insisted that she direct my life and control my will. This simple fact was the #1 thing that obstructed a healthy life form me.I needed to identify and face my infantile QB ego she LIVED inside of me. I needed to surrender my childish personality traits in order to have a chance to live vs. survive. And I need to EVERY DAY maintain my awareness of these tendencies. As a child all I wanted was to feel warm, comfortable, free and safe and have some sort of power/control. My father was a wonderful man and an alcoholic, my mom was a wonderful woman and a codependent, my sister was a teenager and my brother and his girl friend were killed at 18 by a drunk driver. I was eight years old. On that day everything in my life went from light to dark. EVERYTHING in my world CHANGED! This was the day that I stopped developing coping skills. I advanced through the stages of personal growth without shedding the immature QB that lived inside of me. I was not able to let go of the wonderful, warm, secure feelings I had before the accident. And I tried (unknowingly) again and again and again to recapture the total security I once felt.As I grew, I tried to function the way I always had. I was often frustrated which led to me doing things impulsively to try to make everything “OK.”I was angry.I sought approval.I could not accept personal criticism and tried to do everything perfect to avoid discomfort.I was self rejecting.I felt lonely even when I was around others.I felt like I did not fit in.I LIVED IN THE PAST.I developed strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment.
- I did not try new things for fear of failing at them.
- I charmed people.
- I held emotions inside and lost touch with my real feelings.
- Inside I was a scared, lonely little child who whispered self-defeating thoughts to herself. I started to compare myself to others. I did not think I measured up. I stared going out of my way to be accepted and to please people. When that did not make me feel better I started to seek “things” outside of myself to feel better. In my case the #1 thing was food. I had an internal void that no amount of love or status could fill.My QB ego convinced me that I was weak. It pushed aside and tried to destroy the scared lonely little girl that lived inside of me. QB…got so loud, bossy and demanding that at times it had me convinced that my scared little child ever existed.My inner child did not want to hurt anymore and this BIG ego part of me was never satisfied. When I was told “NO” or when someone tried to redirect me I got an inner message that told me I was bad. I became in love with love and when someone was not interested in me that I had affection for I felt unlovable. I was temporarily satisfied when I thought I had it all figured out. I was able to create what I believed others wanted or wanted me to be. I had no self worth. I WAS LOSING THE BATTLE WITH MY EGO. “Queen Baby,“ insisted she was right and eventually I stepped back and down. She took over- I was driven by attention and pleasure seeking. I did not set or maintain limits to avoid being along. I became clinging. I feared rejection of my true self and I presented a false, invented person to the world. It protected me from being hurt. All this “gaming” was invented based on the false promise of security. My life became a series of highs and low. New beginnings were always followed by painful endings. My addiction to food, food related behaviors and codependency developed. I became addicted to the pain of failure. I could not stand to be bored and I created drama. Chaos kept me from seeing my constantly lessened self-esteem. My life was unrewarding.Eventually, my ego became so hungry that no amount of food was ever enough to feed it. I tried to get over on myself again. I would STOP eating, binge, use laxatives, take diet pills, hyper exercise, follow fad diets, yo-yo diet. This led to 40 PLUS years of disordered eating and food addiction.I felt locked into the lifestyle. I was exhausted. I realized that nothing was going to change if I kept repeating the same pattern. I started to sincerely pray to God. I prayed that God would free me, melt away my fear and give me courage and strength to do something different.He listened/He answered my prayers. He granted me courage, strength, and eventually RADICAL ACCEPTANCE.
- Thank you GOD.🐝💕🐾✌🏽️